


I'll Give You the Universe

by EriesSubjugates



Series: Football RPF AUs [1]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, First Person, Fluff, M/M, Mats is an artist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3701457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EriesSubjugates/pseuds/EriesSubjugates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Benedikt goes to Mats' painting exhibit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Give You the Universe

**Author's Note:**

> Hommels again. YAAS. I kind of felt like writing it in first person was better. 
> 
> Not beta'd.

Maybe if I try looking around me then I wouldn't be bothered by this too little a thing that's been running on my mind the past few days.

There is so much that I wish to know that Mats keeps beneath his carefree and indifferent demeanor. There are probably a lot of answers Mats has to my questions. Heck, he may even know a few of the secrets of the universe that I could not find on my own, for surely, someone as important as Mats must have their master right? I have no idea if there is an artist’s counterpart for Plato and Aristotle, but from Mats’ really deep understanding for aesthetics and philosophy, somebody must have had imparted it to him. What he doesn't freely express to people, he expresses through art.

And when I finally see the painting that he did of me, staring at me in its full glory I had realized this: some artists can see through you, as a perfumer would to the properties of his perfume, those artists could turn a version of you into something so beautiful. And that, as the old saying goes, could take the breath away from its audience. But it’s not how he managed to recreate me that caught my eye, but the way he had gone through superficial, and had dug beneath which brings out the rawness of my vulnerability.

There’s nothing more comforting knowing that there are some who are willing acknowledge, much more Mats has captured, what everybody is trying to hide: their weakness. I start to examine the details, the navy blue of the night sky outside the huge window, the soft glow of the moonlight that brought out my hazel eyes, setting the mood. I draw the sight in, of the moonlight that also caressed my hair, which gives an unnatural feel to it. The Benni in the picture looked regal as well as delicate. It feels as if I am staring at another Benni from another parallel universe, the kind that makes you feel curious and scared at the same time.

Feelings are volatile, and mostly disturbing, yet when one acknowledges every emotion as it flows through you and out of you as go on with living it’s as if you have lifted the weight that burdens you. He once said, I remember the sight of him as he told me that. There’s a spark on his eyes. I can’t figure what was running on his mind. We were passing the cigarette between us then, and smoked away into the cool night atop his upscale apartment complex that overlooked the city.

 

_For the past months before I left, we have established a routine. He would sketch me in various positions, even once, naked, after we spent the night together; he suddenly felt the urge to draw me sprawled on his bed. Other times when I would be home from teaching at the primary and my photography classes, I would watch him work on his oil paints if I am not his subject. I have seen him speed sketch, and the strokes of his hands, the fluid motion of it, and his focused gaze is alluring. When he would not paint, we would chat a lot over takeouts, and banter over the Revierderby’s commentators. Then when I said something along the lines of Dortmund having the cutest mascot, he smiles and something shifts on his face. A genuine smile followed by him doubling over in laughter, before he straightens up and wipes the moisture away from his eyes and then telling me that Schalke has the creepiest mascot. I should be offended, but I didn’t find myself offended, instead, I was still caught in the daze brought about his smile. He kisses me afterwards._

Mats has drawn me into his chaotic little space that he calls his studio. Later his place, then his bed, I had never been through something like what I had with Mats over the summer, not to mention the rapid progress of being helplessly in love to him after an introduction by Julian Draxler.

 

_‘What do you really love, Benni?’_

_‘What kind of a question is that?_

_‘Just a normal question, Benni.’_

_‘I love the stars.’_

_‘Do you wish to know the secrets of the universe?’_

_‘Maybe. Do you have any idea?_

_‘I don’t know. Everything I know about it is from those science journals that I’ve once pretended that I can understand. All I know is that the universe beyond us is vast and uncharted. But don’t you think it’s lonely?’_

_‘I suppose so.’_

A few steps closer to the painting, I see him, talking to a guest. He catches sight of me. I could see the surprise on his eyes. The guest, a beautiful woman, turns to me. Before she could properly register what is happening between us, Mats excuses himself.  
Confused as to what was happening, I let Mats take me in his arms.

I blink when I feel him. The familiar scent of Mats, coffee, the faintest hint of cigarette, and that perfume he insists on using (the brand of which I can’t remember) is suddenly overwhelming.

What do you do when somebody dear to you returns? Accept that person maybe? I pictured out Mats kissing me during those nights. Mats who has kissed girls, the same Mats who made it a habit to kiss me whenever he likes, claiming that I am different from the girls he once kissed. Maybe it’s weird to feel satisfied with that, but well…Mats loved kissing.

I wonder what would happen if we actually try to make this work.

‘Benedikt, I missed you.’ He says, foregoing the normal, hello! How are you. I look up to him, his face looks sincere, I blink again because I have no idea how to respond to it. I feel happy, confused, and terrified all at once.

‘Thank you for coming.’ He adds like it’s the most important thing to ever happen to him. I take the scene in my head. How strange that I can’t even convey what I want to say to Mats right now. A storm of emotions are whipping through me right now. And it’s really bad. It’s even more intense than when he first kissed me. I’m pretty sure, in about a matter of minutes my brain would probably become a mesh of gooey shit.

And then his fingers gently cup my chin. He tips my face to his. I could feel the intensity of his gaze, and it makes me weak to the knees.  
His lips latch on to mine. He feels the same, and all the familiarity of it is swirling and stirring at me making me feel alive all at once.

 

And suddenly it's quiet.

 

The world around us is no more.

 

The gallery is a blur.

 

The world falls away, time freezes, until it’s just the two of us holding unto this, this thing that we don’t want to let go.

 

And I don’t want to let go of him, nor do I want it to end. I just want to kiss him, and run my hands through his messy locks. He tilts my head, and in response, I part my mouth, allowing him to slip his tongue onto my mouth.

 

I don’t know how to fight the feelings anymore.

 

 

I am tired of running away. I am tired of not talking.

We are at his place. He leads me to the rooftop. We sit but we left a space between us. The sun is setting, the lights of the building are beginning to flicker to life.

 

‘Mats, I’m not the best that you’ll ever have.’ I begin. I look at him, he opens his mouth to protest, but I raised my hands first, which stops him immediately.  
'I’ll try. I want it to work. I want us to work. God knows how much I regret leaving you.’

 

‘Is that your apology?’

 

‘I don’t know—okay, maybe. I’m horrible at these kinds of things Mats. Let me figure it out on my own. I’m scared.’ I look at him.

 

‘Why are you scared, Benni?’

 

‘It’s happening way too fast for me to comprehend. I can’t even wrap my finger around it.’

 

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

 

‘Why didn’t I tell you? Because I enjoyed it. It’s just that I know that it’s there, I know that it may happen soon but I didn’t want to jump into a relationship immediately.’

 

‘I could wait.’

 

I look at him sadly.

 

‘I know. But the heart can be a twisted wretch don’t you think? I don’t want my emotions dictate my actions then. It’s too big a risk to take.’

 

‘Then why are you telling me this?’

 

‘Because I want you to know…’

 

‘You what?’

 

‘I want you to know because I want to take that risk again.’

 

The words linger on my mind. I have repeated those words, rehearsed it a lot of times even, and he’s quiet after that. I think about how hurt he must have felt after I left him. I look at the sky above me, fearing for the worst; it’s a quality of mine that I can’t eradicate. It’s the reason why I left him that night. And I screwed up. But then one day, I saw an online article sent to me by my co-worker. And Mats is in it, standing next to a painting of his. All those times I’ve spent with him came rushing back to me. I had to excuse myself to keep myself from crying in front of my little students.  
Mats making those extraordinary paintings, I can imagine him as he was making those, rummaging around his oil paints looking for the right colours, Mats smiling, Mats curled like a kid when he’s asleep as if he was cocooning himself from whatever it was that was haunting him.  
I think of those images, knowing what I had to do.

 

‘I thought I lost you.’ He says, a sad smile on his face, it doesn’t suit him.

 

‘I’m sorry.’ I say. ‘I’m an ass—’

 

‘Maybe I deserved that’ he interrupts.

 

I look at him. I don’t know whether I should nod or not, so I just look at him.

 

‘I was at my worst when I met you. I didn’t let you know. All those empty liquor bottles you found? I finished them all on my own. I was barely sober those days…’ he trails off. He looks at me.

 

‘But you weren’t drunk when we were introduced.’

 

He laughs, I don't like the way it sounds, it was bitter.

 

‘It took a lot of convincing on Jules’ part. He had to bribe me for me to sober up. He kept talking about you, your photography skills, even said that you are the perfect model for the exhibit earlier.’

 

How could I have missed those? We were both struggling with our own inner demons. And I just left him behind without even properly telling why.

 

He takes my hand.

 

‘I scared you off, didn't I?’

 

He looks away from me. I’m glad that he didn't withdraw his hands.

 

‘No.’ I whisper ‘No you didn't.’ I say louder.

 

‘Mats, after Lisa, I didn't want to fall in love then. What happened to us was too fast, it was just like Lisa and I. I don’t want to ruin everything. I am scared, and I’m also an insecure adult. I thought that if I left you, everything would be alright. I know that’s crazy, but Mats, I thought running away was the best answer. I figured you’d fall in love anyway. But do you know what it felt like after I’ve arrived at my place? It’s killing me, Mats, it’s killing me inside.’

 

He looks at me now. His gaze was unnerving. I look at him, making sure that he realizes how much I mean it. It’s strange, we both have problems on our own that we are too afraid to admit. It’s strange how I agreed to Julian’s proposal when I was supposed to be away that time he introduced me to Mats. Maybe it’s one of the universe’s way of letting us know that some people are meant to meet in order to help mend the cracks that life and their choices has brought upon them.

 

‘I’m crazy about you.’

 

‘Me too.’

 

‘I’ll give you the universe if I can, hell, I’ll find out all the answers for your frighteningly curious mind, if it means that I’ll have you.’

 

‘Same.’

 

‘Are you really just going to say ‘me too’ and ‘same’, because damn, Benni, I’m expecting better.’

 

I laugh. I climb over his lap, straddling him. I want to say the words that I’ve been dying to tell him.

 

‘I love you. You don’t need to tell me the mysteries of universe, nor give me the universe. You don’t need to find out the answers to all my questions. I think that Mats, you’re the most amazing person that I have ever met, not to mention, extremely beautiful, and I want to be your model again, but you have to pay me of course. ignore the last part. I want to be with you.’

 

He smiles as he runs his finger on my jaw. ‘I love you too.’

 

 

 

We gaze at the city, my head leaning on his shoulder. I am content, something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I think of the upcoming days ahead: both of us traipsing around the city, derby nights, endless conversations…

 

The universe could wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> oohhh and I think this is the first time, I wrote Benni this way, it's always Mats who's the bottom of the pair. lol
> 
> Comments are appreciated!


End file.
